Air Date: Week of May 6, 2005

“Heaven help us,” advises satirist Rich Pliskin and his Players of Princeton, New Jersey. If admission past the pearly gates depends on what we drive, some of us may be in trouble.

Transcript

GELLERMAN: Struggling over what kind of car to buy? Heaven only knows hybrid vehicles are easier on the environment but you have to admit, SUVs are bigger and will get you to your final destination with a hell of a lot more power. As Princeton, New Jersey writer Rich Pliskin and his players advise, your choice may have long-term consequences.

ANNOUNCER: And now, a public service announcement.

[HARP PLAYING]

USHER: Number 471, to the right of the cloud, please. That’s it.

JANE: Kinda nervous. You?

CHUCK: Nahh! This guy's a gentle giant. You'll be OK.

JACK TRIBBLE: Oh good Lord, thank you, thank you!

JANE: Sounds like that guy’s making out OK.

CHUCK: That's Jack Tribble.

JANE: You know him?

CHUCK: Neighbor. Couldn't stand the guy. So “holier than thou” with those His and Hers hybrids. Uh, make ya’ sick.

JANE: Somebody sure likes him. Look at the attention he's getting.

USHER: Right this way, sir. Follow the sound of the harps. That’s it.

CHUCK: Huh.

JANE: Hey, look at that other guy. He must be in big trouble.

CHUCK: That’s Ken Schmertz!

USHER: Number 472: Schmertz! Sub-basement Level 5! Fast lane, no stops!

SCHMERTZ: Wait! Can we talk about this?

USHER: Let’s go, mac!

SCHMERTZ: Tell my wife–tell my wife to wax the Navigator!

JANE: Wow! Sub-basement Level 5! I wonder what he did.

CHUCK: Ken lived for his SUVs.

JANE: Ouch.

CHUCK: Yeah. Ouch.

JANE: So what about you? What line were you in?

CHUCK: Sold SUVs.

JANE: Oh, well, I’m sure it’s okay. That Schmertz fella probably just cheated on his taxes or something.

CHUCK: Yeah. I guess…What about you?

JANE: Oh, I never cheated on my taxes. That would be a sin.

CHUCK: No, what’d you do for a living?

JANE: Oh, right! I invented an affordable, solar-powered family minivan to reduce our dependence on foreign oil, reverse global warming and cut the trade deficit in half by 2007.

CHUCK: Huh.

USHER: Number 473!

JANE: Hey! My number’s up!

USHER: Right this way, ma’am. And may I say what a colorful blouse you’re wearing today?

JANE: Well, see ya’! Or, not. Hey Jack! Jack Tribble! Wait up!

ANNOUNCER: This message was sponsored by the Alternative Cars for a Better Future Foundation. We’re AC-BIFF, reminding you to drive responsibly. Because someday, it just may matter.

GELLERMAN: “Divine Inspiration,” courtesy of Rich Pliskin and his players from heavenly, Princeton, New Jersey. Just ahead—NASCAR drags its wheels on leaded gas. Stay tuned to Living on Earth.

[Performed by: Erika Lynn Becker, Michael Gallagher, Michael Hegarty, Dan Johnson and Rich Pliskin]